Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
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Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries