Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
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Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.