Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪