Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
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Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*