A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
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Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day