Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
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I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
True?
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Batman v Dracula
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??