if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
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Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.