What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
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I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.