This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
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doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
My love language is deader than Latin
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.