cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
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[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Venn
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?