The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
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Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
*jingles half the way*
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.