It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
You Might Also Like
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*