Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
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My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”