(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
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I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Yes my dude
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.