Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
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I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.