Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
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You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Saw online –
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.