I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
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if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.