I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
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[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
starting a garage orchestra
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*