skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
You can’t outrun your problems…
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I am laughing way too hard at this.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food