As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
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When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house