Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
You Might Also Like
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
This kid is a star!
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Everyone’s family
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no