There’s always that one guy
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My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’