Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
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*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Not messing around
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Stop it! 😂
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks