[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
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Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home