My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
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My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.