The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
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[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
The funk soul brother
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.