The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
You Might Also Like
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
dutch so unserious
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Yeah. This was me today.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma