(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
You Might Also Like
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.