I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
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Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Clients after you give them your rates
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Real House Wines.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms