my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
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*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
😎 🍻
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
become ungovernable
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42