her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
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son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.