‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
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Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.