Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
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Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Somebody call the cops.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon