I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
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Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.