“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
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When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I’M CRYINGGG
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*