My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
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A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics