The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
You Might Also Like
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Where’s my employee discount too?
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
*jingles half the way*
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV