It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
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i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Cats are still liquid.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.