i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
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one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
How to make infinite energy.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car