Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
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This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
my one true gender
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.