*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
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*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Thursday
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”