[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
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“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.