[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
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I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Body by Oreos
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.