Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
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People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.