People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
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Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
dude it’s called proctologist
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
it is time once again