(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
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If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Simple enough.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.