Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
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me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
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Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
[at funeral] You really had to see him live