“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
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[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
we’re gonna need another temp
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!