PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
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I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.