Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
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“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
The biggest mystery of our time
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie